I want to be fit. And, strong. This is my experiment with my body.
I was ecstatic, my double chin was gone, and my tummy did not show as much in the dresses. I looked good and I felt better. I was upbeat and lively.
Then, came the depression. It just hit me very suddenly. This time I was expecting it, but not expecting it. My wedding had been called off, I was upset, so it was there at the back of my mind. But, I was okay for a while. And, then it just happened one day. The sky appeared darker, my smile did not make me happy, and I had a huge weight on my chest.
My work suffered. I had no idea what I was doing. I just kept at the grind, going to the office, and doing God knows what.
I hate sinking into that hole. I keep telling myself that I can be happy if I decide to be. But, I still seem to circle the drain every once in a while. It is just the way it is.
One fine morning, the world is just the way it was and yet I see no joy in it. Suddenly, I see ways of killing myself everywhere I go. Sometimes, leaning just a bit too much from the balcony feels good.
The symptoms reached a peak, of course, when the #metoo movement made me recall all my horrible memories. I was in such a bad place that I would randomly start crying, not knowing what was wrong with me. I would be angry and not have a way to vent it out. And, then I would be hopeless. There were days when I went to office, stared at the computer screen and came home without really doing anything.
But, what has it got to do with my fitness you ask?
Well, I went to the gym just five days one month. My friends asked me out for lunch or dinner and I gorged myself. And, when my family came over, I ate like there was no tomorrow, knowing well the consequence the fried and sweet food will have on my system.
I am an emotional eater, you see. Every time I feel sad, I crave something cheesy or chocolaty. And, it feels good for a while and then I am back to being sad again.
Well, this is all my excuse for putting on those five kilos again.
But the best thing is that the cloud cleared three days ago. I felt lighter. Happier, even when I had to do things I did not really want to (like meeting random men so that my mom can get me married.)
I was laughing from my heart. I went to the gym and worked out for two hours. I danced without abandon. And, I knew in my mind, the darkness was over. It was time for recovery.
And, just like I know I am strong enough to get out of that sinkhole, I know that I would be able to lose those five kilos and more eventually. After all, I did it once, didn’t I?
What this made me realise is that when I say I want to be healthy, it has to take into account my mental health too. I have to try and be more in touch with my feelings so that I do not wait till the dams burst.
And, I think it is time again to see a counsellor. That appointment is long overdue.
From now on, all my updates would be about my physical as well as mental health.