My experiment with my body: An update

Working outI want to be fit. And, strong. This is my experiment with my body.

I have written about how I started working out and maintaining a healthy diet again after a hiatus of so many years. You can read about my previous updates here and here.

So, lets get back to my quick update. Three months ago, I was gloating about the five kilos that I had dropped since I started working out. (Here are some apps and websites I like to refer to)

I was ecstatic, my double chin was gone, and my tummy did not show as much in the dresses. I looked good and I felt better. I was upbeat and lively.

Then, came the depression. It just hit me very suddenly. This time I was expecting it, but not expecting it. My wedding had been called off, I was upset, so it was there at the back of my mind. But, I was okay for a while. And, then it just happened one day. The sky appeared darker, my smile did not make me happy, and I had a huge weight on my chest.

My work suffered. I had no idea what I was doing. I just kept at the grind, going to the office, and doing God knows what.

I hate sinking into that hole. I keep telling myself that I can be happy if I decide to be. But, I still seem to circle the drain every once in a while. It is just the way it is.

One fine morning, the world is just the way it was and yet I see no joy in it. Suddenly, I see ways of killing myself everywhere I go. Sometimes, leaning just a bit too much from the balcony feels good.

The symptoms reached a peak, of course, when the #metoo movement made me recall all my horrible memories. I was in such a bad place that I would randomly start crying, not knowing what was wrong with me. I would be angry and not have a way to vent it out. And, then I would be hopeless. There were days when I went to office, stared at the computer screen and came home without really doing anything.

But, what has it got to do with my fitness you ask?

Well, I went to the gym just five days one month. My friends asked me out for lunch or dinner and I gorged myself. And, when my family came over, I ate like there was no tomorrow, knowing well the consequence the fried and sweet food will have on my system.

I am an emotional eater, you see. Every time I feel sad, I crave something cheesy or chocolaty. And, it feels good for a while and then I am back to being sad again.

Well, this is all my excuse for putting on those five kilos again.

But the best thing is that the cloud cleared three days ago. I felt lighter. Happier, even when I had to do things I did not really want to (like meeting random men so that my mom can get me married.)

I was laughing from my heart. I went to the gym and worked out for two hours. I danced without abandon. And, I knew in my mind, the darkness was over. It was time for recovery.

And, just like I know I am strong enough to get out of that sinkhole, I know that I would be able to lose those five kilos and more eventually. After all, I did it once, didn’t I?

What this made me realise is that when I say I want to be healthy, it has to take into account my mental health too. I have to try and be more in touch with my feelings so that I do not wait till the dams burst.

And, I think it is time again to see a counsellor.  That appointment is long overdue.

From now on, all my updates would be about my physical as well as mental health.




The weight loss game: quick update

As I had mentioned in my previous blog, I am trying to lose weight. Again.

It has been almost a month, so I thought it was time for a quick update. (Also, because I did not have any other ideas for a blog post and I do want to keep updating the blog regularly.)

So here goes….

I have not really been able to follow through with a strict workout schedule. (I always think it is because of my work, but maybe it is because I sleep late after watching Netflix. I got a new 43 inch TV, and it’s awesome!) Continue reading

And, the weight loss game again

Elevated low section view of woman standing on weighing scales

Six years ago, I put on a backless dress for the first time and all I could think about was that I looked amazing. I had lost a ton of weight and my back look almost perfect.

I felt sexy. I could put on shorts and a skimpy top and not keep thinking about the flabs that might show.

(Yes, yes, I still felt conscious because others were slimmer or kept track of their meals better. But, now that I think of it, that was the time when I was the fittest. Dancing three to fours hours a day can do that to you!) Continue reading

Living on the scales


Elevated low section view of woman standing on weighing scales
Image Courtesy:

Last week I was down with the seasonal flu. And, the highlight was that I lost 4 kgs!

Yes, I watch my weight (and see the scales not moving an inch) every morning. I am very conscious about my body. And, there are reasons.

My weight is a public spectacle. Everyone feels comfortable walking up to me and telling me how I have gained a lot of weight in the last two years, or how they have tried a new diet that really seems to work or to simply tell me that I should avoid the samosas being served with the tea.

“You know the <insert any name> bhaiiya was telling me how you have put on a lot of weight. So, I thought I should tell you that you must work on losing it now,” my boss told me one day. This was without me inviting her to comment on my weight. She also suggested a diet that had worked for her. Continue reading

Are you eating too much or too little?


Eating disorder.png
Image Courtesy:

My doctor told me I have an eating disorder. She said, whenever I am sad or anxious, I overeat. I paid her R 2,000 to tell me something I already knew. If I opened a packet of chips or other snacks, I finished it, even if I was full to the point where I knew I would puke. (This had nothing to do with Lays’ tagline ‘No one can eat just one’)

But she did not know was that I had been to the other extreme as well.

I was 17. My friends used to ‘jokingly’ call me an elephant. I used to think that I was the ugly duckling who would never grow up to become the swan. I was a fairly good student — I was top of my class, I participated and won debate competitions and dance competitions, and yet nothing mattered. I could never look at myself lovingly.

I needed to lose weight, I decided. Continue reading