procrastination · weight watchers

My body, my rules

Working out
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“Oh my god, you have lost so much weight. You look amazing.” You might think this is an innocuous comment made to a friend you are meeting after a long time. It might seem like something you just say. You might be complementing the hard work they put in in working out and dieting to get there.

Comments like these come naturally to us. Comments like these are so entrenched in our conversations that we never stop to think what it perpetuates.

Why is getting thin akin to looking good? And, does the obsession with getting thin justify the means? Comments like these are the reason people starve themselves. Comments like these are the reason why people have such a negative body image.

I do too. I can tell you in great detail the parts of my body I hate. When I look into the mirror, I do not look at myself as a whole person. Instead, I focus on the protruding belly, the fat arms, and literally the chubby cheeks. Continue reading “My body, my rules”

My Forte: Procrastination · My thoughts · What I read

Monday blues

monday blues
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And, it’s Monday again. As the title suggests, in this week’s post I am going to write about my Monday Blues. I am 100% sure that anyone who does a routine job or goes to school or college feels pretty much the same every Monday morning (scratch that, every Sunday evening). So, feel free to write to me about your experiences as well.

(Also, sorry for missing last week’s post. I was doing nothing important. Just plain old procrastination.)

08:00 pm. Sunday.

I start feeling a pit in my stomach and my heartbeat starts racing. I realise my day off is over and I have pretty much not done anything that I had slated for the weekend. I realise that I have to wake up the next morning and pitch a story to my boss, but in my panic, I draw blanks. Continue reading “Monday blues”

My thoughts · Sex in the City

Part 3: LOVE

My twisting and turning journey through the path of sex and humiliation brought me to love. Love. Just the thought of it fills me with joy, brings a smile to my lips and a glint in my eye.

This is part 3 of the long-long post I typed out after reading the book ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney. You can read the previous parts here and here.

My story of self-discovery would remain incomplete without the mention of my “great” romance. And, just like Marianne, for now, I have a ‘normal’ ending. (Hopefully this will not be it, though.)

The love happened when I least expected it. I was recovering from the trauma of another broken relationship. I had hurt the person who loved me. Again. So, I was determined to be on my own. After all, what was the point? It always ended the same way. I date someone, they fall for me, I do not feel anything for them, so I start thinking of a 1,001 reasons to call it quits, and then I gave them some or the other reason to break-up with me. I always left someone unhappy and in tears. The guilt of it was too much for me.  Continue reading “Part 3: LOVE”

My thoughts · Sex in the City

Part 2: Shame and humiliation

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Shame and humiliation

Have you read the book ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney? It is a twisted tale of love and relationship. I thoroughly enjoyed the book, but it also made me think about love and sex in my own life.

This is part 2 of the three part post that I furiously typed out after I finished the book.

Marianne, the protagonist, is a socially awkward nerdy girl who is mostly avoided by her peers. But she does not mind; she thinks she is above it all. In college, she becomes the famous one and ends up doing to others what was done to her in school.

This is the common trope; a story we have all heard, right? But she is not normal. Where the book differs is the layers of sub-text on the abuse she has faced at home. She grew up with it and it altered her; she could no longer be normal.

Enter Connell, their paths are inextricably entwined.

Twice in the story Marianne asks her lover, “Will you hit me?” but the same sentence has different connotations both the times. Continue reading “Part 2: Shame and humiliation”

Sex in the City · What I read

Part 1: Love and other drugs

Love and other drugs
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Love is complicated. So, I will start the story with sex.

(This is first in the three part post that I furiously typed out as soon as I finished reading Sally Rooney’s Normal People.)

Sex for me is like reading a book. The subtle (and the not so subtle) body movements are like beautiful phrases that give me pleasure when I read and slowly I learn the artist’s style and mold my own correspondingly. It is natural. There is no thinking involved.

It is a secluded bubble in which only pleasure exists.

But then it ends. The bubble bursts and a plethora of emotions come gushing out — sometimes it is pure joy, exhilaration and sometimes it is pain, shame and humiliation.


In my mind, sex and humiliation have a special association. Continue reading “Part 1: Love and other drugs”

College Days · My thoughts

The crush!

When you have a crush on someone. Image courtesy:

The heart works in mysterious ways!

Have you noticed how no one looks good enough (except Leonardo Dicaprio, maybe) when you are falling in love with someone? Your entire focus seems to be on “the one” and you do not see the need to even gauge the physical attractiveness of other men?

This feeling, of course, fades over time. What remains is a mutual understanding and respect for the other.

And then when you are single, someone carrying off a blazer well, talking passionately about “issues”, or just casually smiling at you seems to be just enough for your heart to skip a beat. Continue reading “The crush!”

College Days · My thoughts

My village

Calmness in Allahabad
A peaceful day in Allahabad. The ‘New Bridge’ over the Yamuna river.

In the television series ‘Grey’s Anatomy’, most of the lead characters do not have families outside of the Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. The colleagues become sisters, boyfriends, family, and friends. They are there to look after the kids when Meredith needs some time off, they are there to help Bailey out when she struggles with OCD, and they become the drink buddies whenever someone needs a little bit of cheering up.

This is their village. (Yes, I just gave an example from a medical drama. This is what too much streaming service does to you.)

Now, I do not share such a relationship with my colleagues though I no doubt spend a lot of my waking hours in office. We share our hardships and joys, but do not drink together except for office parties.

So, I keep wondering who will look after my kids when I spend 14 hours in the office. Continue reading “My village”