The bout of depression I suffered last year has changed the kind of person I am. The experience has taught me that even if it is happening in my head, why on earth should it mean it is not real? (Yes, I did quote JK Rowling.) But I think it explains the situation well.
Most people do not understand why people with depression need days off. To be fair, neither did I. Till one day, I went to sleep, crying to my pillow and I just could not get up.
I texted my boss that I had an upset stomach and would not be able to come in.
Yes, I said stomach upset because depression would just raise too many questions that I did not feel like answering.
Whenever I tell someone about the experience they tell me that I was being lazy, maybe I hadn’t slept well and needed some time off, or maybe it was just one of those days… Anything, but depression.
But, it wasn’t a one-off. There have been times when I did not get up from my bed for days at a stretch, not even to have water or food. And, even when I did, I could not stand the thought of going to a shop or buying veggies. I survived on Maggi.
Yes, it was happening in my head, but it was all too real for me.
Now, there are days that I stay in bed and there are days that I am lazy. But it is not as if the sky is collapsing and crushing me to death. I do not have to keep playing FRIENDS on loop to numb myself, feeling that it was the only thing that kept me alive for the next half hour
Whenever I imagine that time, I shudder at the thought.
How could I have been so upset that I could not even think my actions through? How could I have been in so much pain that jumping off the roof seemed easy?
The difference is like night and day. (Don’t believe me? Go through my previous posts)
Right now, I feel like an awful weight has lifted off me. And, even when I feel like depression is about to set in (especially before my chums), I am able to talk myself out of it.
I went to a therapist, rather my parents forced me to go to one. And, at the time, I thought of it as a waste of money, she kept saying the things that I knew. But, speaking so openly to someone, talking to someone who did not judge my actions even when I did, made a world of difference.
Sometimes, I feel like I am not the same person anymore. It doesn’t mean I am never upset, but it certainly means that now I do not let myself even reach close to the dark place, the brink.
And, not just that, over the last one year, I have also been able to establish trust in myself that I am not a dysfunctional drunk. Now, I can drink knowing that I would stop much before I go overboard. I haven’t passed out in over a year and I haven’t done anything that I regret while I am not in my senses.