“This is a complete leftist ideology,” said one person in my class. To which the other replied, “these journalists are bourgeoise leftist. They want to sit in their air-conditioned office and talk about farmers committing suicide.”
And, I was sitting there nodding my head; I had no clue what leftist ideology was. And, what the fuck is a bourgeoisie? (Also, that’s not how I spelt the word in my head, duh.)
I rushed to the computer lab as soon as the class was over, and in a tab hidden underneath my facebook page, I searched what leftist ideology was. (Those days, I did not have internet connection on my phone. And, the phone too was not a smart one.)
“Ooh, so people who want equality in the society are the followers of leftist ideology? So, what’s wrong with that?” I thought to myself. It was only after years of reading up that I learnt about communism and the various factions within.
Actually, I am not too sure that even now I understand it fully.
However, once I figured out that ‘left and right’ were not merely directions, I realised I am a centrist. (You see, I do not like too much of anything.)
Years after I left my graduation college, I realised back then I was so naive.
Yes, I did not know what left and right were, but the point is not that. I felt like a stupid kid even though the others too were clueless (okay, maybe not as much as I was). Now, when I hear the same arguments from someone I can actually cut the crap.
That’s when the realisation dawned on me. So, many of my classmates were trying to say things just to sound cool, to show that they knew a lot. They were just as scared of coming off as dumb as I was.
It just took me a lot of reassurance (from myself and others) to realise that my brain cells hadn’t given up on me. I was just trying to figure my way, just like everyone around me.
The difference was I did it by nodding my head and agreeing to stuff even when I had no idea what it meant. They did it by showcasing their limited knowledge, gambling that the others too would have no idea. And, the gamble paid off.