The period bonding

“The thing that we eat when we are chumming,” said the girl I had met barely two hours ago. In response, I shouted, “chocolate.” We won the game of ‘Heads Up’ by a point.

Now, here’s the thing, in the 120 minutes that we had spent together not once did we discuss our menstrual habits or our love for chocolates. Yet, she was fairly certain that I would guess the word. That’s because, like the love for Leo DiCaprio, experiences that come with chumming are universal.

Girl, if you are 25 and above, you must have definitely these situations.

Are you PMSing?

Yes, motherf**cker. What’s your excuse?

The minute you raise your voice, put forth your opinion without giving a fuck, or make your displeasure known, there will inevitably be this one person in your group of friends, at the back of your class, or sitting opposite you in a meeting room who would say, “Hey, take a chill pill. What’s up with you today? Are you PMSing?”

I wish the pain of period cramps on him.

Maybe that’ll help him understand how gracefully women keep their shit together even when they feel that gravity is dragging their sore uterus out of the body and onto the floor.

I wish he would understand that my angry outburst is not my hormones, it’s his bad behaviour.

Hey, do you have a…?

This is the question that is always left unsaid.

If you are obsessive-compulsive like me, you mark out the date your date in your diary or on the cell-phone calender. And, as soon as you get an inkling that your periods are around the corner, you start carrying sanitary napkins or tampons.

Now, this can be of great help to that one unlucky girl who either forgot her date or had an unscheduled encounter.

The problem is, she will never ask you straight up what she wants. She will come up to you, smile, act shy and say, “hey, do you have a…?”

I have handed a pen, a writing pad, money, condom and whatnot. I have the eureka moment only when she says, ” you know, it’s that time of the month.”

Hey girl, why be secretive about it? Half the population of the world uses it!

Ummm… you know what my tummy is upset. You guys go ahead.

This is the excuse so many of my friends have given when they are unable to join us for a mixed-gender group activity. And, the reason is usually their fight with gravity to keep the uterus in.

I know the blood comes out from down there and the stomach aches, but why is a tummy upset always the reason?

What if the pool turns red?

I am sure you all remember the first time you stepped into the pool while on your periods. No matter how much reading up you do, how many blogs tell you that the blood does not leak when you are in the water. The constant fear is always, “What if the water turns red?”

The first time this happened to me was when my tummy ache excuse failed to get me out of a day of swimming with four of my friends, including a guy.

I put on a fresh sanitary napkin and kept muttering to myself, “the pool will not turn red”. For the next one hour, I just kept looking behind myself, afraid of leaving a trail behind.

Girls, I assure you, it does not happen.

Damn it, I should’ve just taken that pill

A period is the one thing that you do not ever want, but the one time that it decides to be late, you freak the f**k out.

Two days after the schedule. You wonder, “why is it late? what could the reason be? I am not even stressed out. Plus, this month I followed a healthy diet and exercised too. Maybe it’ll come in another day or two.”

Four days after schedule. “I am pregnant. For sure. Why did I not take the pill? It f*cks up my system, but still when in doubt you should always take it. No use worrying now. The stress will only make it worse, right?” You start off with scolding yourself and end up desperately consoling yourself that everything will be alright.

Six days after schedule. Now it’s time to just get the pregnancy test. And, one won’t suffice. “What if it’s false negative? Who told you to do it without a condom?”

On the seventh day, when you finally notice the blood, you heave a sigh of relief.

And then the pain begins.

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