Always Keep Fighting #AKF

Always keep fighting.jpg
Image Courtesy: http://orig11.deviantart.net

 

Someone I have never met or known of cared about what was going on in my head.

The only thing bringing us together was a television series ‘Supernatural’. Jared Padalecki, the lead actor of the show, started the ‘Always Keep Fighting’ campaign in 2015 after he came out about his struggles with depression.

I loved the slogan. Not because I am a total fangirl when it comes to Jared, but because the campaign understands that dealing with mental illnesses can be a life-long struggle and you lose the day you stop fighting for staying alive.

***

I was diagnosed with a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD last year. But, its manifestations have been keeping me on the edge for a long time now.

I have tried to commit suicide at least half a dozen times since childhood.

I clearly remember the first time – I was 11 or 12 maybe. And, after a scolding from my grandmother about being careless with my baby sister, I went to the cupboard under the stairs where she kept all her gardening equipment and I drank some pesticide.

The dose was clearly not enough because all I did was puke it out and sleep it off.

I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. I was ashamed. My mother thought I must have had a stomach infection because of something I ate the previous day.

BPD bothered me in college too, where my friends told me that I did not have any emotions because I did not react to much that happened around me the way the others did.

To tell you the truth, everything that happened to me was like a thousand pins pricking all the time. I used to cry alone after going to bed. But, when it came to problems of others or our group, I muted it out. It was my defence mechanism.

Most recently, I tried to commit suicide by closing myself in an air-tight room and burning my diary after I told my boy friend I had cheated on him. (I had learned that carbon monoxide poisoning is a painless way to die.) That’s when I realised I needed help.

But, even then I was scared of going to a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist because it is usually looked down upon. Therapy is reserved for mad people or people who have been raped.

I did several personality quizzes instead. And, all of them suggested that I have BPD.

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Image Courtesy: https://ih1.redbubble.net/

Finally going to a psychiatrist was probably my way of confirming what I already knew. And, when I finally got a diagnosis, there was an odd sense of relief. It was not in my head (metaphorically), after all.

 

Since then, I have had suicidal thought thrice and have sought help.

***

Supernatural is a unique show because of the kind of family it has managed to build around it. A family of fans that can support and encourage each other.
During the troubled times, Always Keep Fighting and SpnFamily felt like a point of support. And for that, I am thankful to Jared and to other celebrities who use their name and power for something good.

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