Will I ever get married? Will I ever be able to give it all to a person?
Whenever I ask myself these questions, the answer that comes to mind is ‘No’. And, it is not for the lack of trying.
I have had three long-term relations, where the men used to dote on me and take care of me (most of the times anyway), even though I was never able to articulate what I wanted or needed from the relationship. And, one day, just like that, something in me would snap and I would stop looking at them lovingly. Then, it was a downhill journey.
Of the three, I cheated on two because I did not have the courage to go up to them and say ‘I think this is over’. And even after my transgressions, the both loved me so much that they were willing to take me back. But, I did not feel loved, I felt stuck.
“How can a man accept me when I have cheated on them? Isn’t that the worst you could do to someone,” I would think to myself. I would think of them as less of a man because of how wonderfully I had managed to f**k up the relationships.
Now, I have been keeping off alcohol and sex (one leads to the other, you know). Yet, I cannot convince myself that I will ever be able to invest so much of me in someone, that if they leave they would break my heart and take a part of me with them.
I don’t think I have opened myself to such vulnerability since my first relation. A relation which he would not even acknowledge in public. You know why? Because he was sleeping with two of my friends.
I don’t think I have truly loved someone since and I am scared that I never will.
Everyone has celebrity crushes and I am a complete fangirl when it comes to Jared Padalecki, the Supernatural actor. I see him being a loving husband and a superb father to three children and sometimes I wish I were the object of his affection. (Okay, totally embarrassed right now. And, sorry Genevieve)
However, if there were a way for it to all come true, I have a feeling that I would find some unlikable character trait even in my ‘perfect man’ and dwell on it till I toss the relation for good and create a scrumptious disaster salad.
By now, I know the recipe well enough!