There is a knot in your stomach, your heart starts beating fast, your throat dries up and you don’t think, you just do. Have you ever had that feeling? The sinking feeling… like everything is lost? Well, I have lived with that feeling for most of my life.
Except for when I am too happy. When I go out with friends, maybe grab a couple of drinks and then do something stupid that I know I would regret the next morning. In fact, this happens so often that I no longer feel ashamed for my acts. I wear my actions as a shield.
People say, you are a slut. I say, what’s wrong with that? There is nothing wrong with that really. Except for the fact that I do not believe it one bit. I don’t let other people know, but I do keep giving myself a hard time.
And, every time I am happy, I have a nagging feeling that something horrible is just around the corner. And, it is.
If there is nothing, I create it out of thin air. I create points of conflict in my head. I scream and I shout and I drive my friends away. Then I go back to my bedroom and cry.
I know I am wrong, but do I apologise? No.
In fact, when they come back to check whether I am alright, I scream some more. Slowly, people stop coming back, they leave me alone. Nobody wants to deal with me. I don’t want to deal with me.
It’s all in my head, I think.
Maybe, if I am not there, the world would be a better place, I think. And so, I try to commit suicide. But, I am scared of slitting my wrist or jumping off the building. So, I deride myself, “You are not good at anything, not even committing suicide.”
After going through all this day-in-and-day-out, when someone convinces you to go to a doctor and you actually receive a diagnosis, do you know how it feels?
It feels liberating.
You understand that you are not a horrible person. You are not a menace, you just need to beat the monster inside your head.
Turns out, I was in depression because of something that goes much deeper. I was diagnosed with ‘Borderline Personality Disorder‘. It is a serious mental illness, so it scared me, but it also made me realise that I have an illness and I need to be treated for it.
The more I read about the condition and experience of people who are living with it, the more I realised that I am not alone. That I am not a freak.
I hope someday, after treatment, I am able to love myself and others too.