My little monster

Depression. Finally getting a diagnosis was a relief of sorts. For months I had no name for what was haunting me, what kept making me feel as though I was trapped in my own body — unable to escape, unable to be at peace and unable to see anyone around happy.

I would smile for everyone to see, but there was no joy in it. Everything looked fine, but nothing was fine really.

My professional life was a bliss – I had an amazing job, a great team and an absolutely lovable boss. I even received awards. Yet, in my heart I knew that I was not giving it my 100 per cent. (In fact, I have been feeling that I am not giving 100 per cent to anything anymore.

Personal life — I don’t think I have much of it. I hardly have any time for myself (Mostly because I spend a lot of time at work, not working). I do not have time to meet my friends or any new people (I keep dreaming about being offered a drink by a stranger who would just like to talk to me and not try to get into my pants).

It takes me months to finish reading a book.

I want to stay on top of my household chores and workout every morning. And, I fail miserable at both. (I go to bed thinking I will do it in the morning and stay tucked in till late thinking I will do it in the night, definitely.)

This pushes me further down the spiral — I guilt myself for not being able to reach my small day-to-day goals.

And, then there are the marriage woes. (Yes, a separate post has been dedicated to it!)

The girl just exists as a shadow of herself.

Dance used to be her life, her dream, her catharsis. She loved to move her body to the beats in a club, in the office or even on the streets. The same girl does not feel like getting off her chair to to dance at a club less than 500 mts from her office.

And, even when she dances, there is something amiss in the way she sways to the music.

There is this feeling… a feeling that I just cannot shake off. Its just there, like a weight on my shoulder, something that I cannot throw away. It is like my personal Vetal. (You know, like from the story of Vikram and Vetal)

I am happy, but there is nothing that can cheer me up completely, make me carefree like I used to be. Like ths girl used to be when she first got off the train and stepped into the city.


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